My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
James 1:19-21
I was given the challenge last night to come up with a goal verse for my year. I chose this one because it seems like my constant prayer is to have the wisdom to hold my tongue. In fact, when I said last night that I wanted to choose this for my goal because I needed it, Aaron jokingly said "Amen." Ouch. I obviously know that I need it or I would have had no reason to choose it -- but it resonates a lot more when someone else agrees.
None of these things are easy for me.
My mom has always prided herself on the fact that she taught Chad and I to speak up and to speak our minds. We are good at it. I have been told on more than one occasion that I talk too much and too often. I speak out if turn and while I am by no means crass, I have been known to push the envelope past where it has previously been pushed. I interrupt -- because apparently my ideas are always more important than yours -- which is classy. Oh, and I talk above everyone else and repeat myself until someone acknowledges my statement. Also, I really like to make sure people know what I don't like. If you mention something and I dislike it, I tell you immediately before your thought is even completed. Awesome. Really makes you want to be my friend, doesn't it?
I have always, ALWAYS, blamed this on the way I grew up. In ways, it's true. I mean, like I said above, I was taught to make my voice known. I was taught to be friendly and polite and that grocery store cashiers and bank tellers actually enjoy conversation sometimes. And, because my extended family is so large, we all talk loudly at the same time and are involved in seven conversations simultaneously. Our defense is that it's a Moore thing and that if you don't keep up, you miss out. Talking is survival of the fittest in my family. I am close to being the Ms. Fitness of speech.
But the fact of the matter is that this isn't the first year I've been aware of these things. I've tried to work on some of them in the past few years. So, I didn't just wake up this morning and realize that I can't blame the way I raised forever. There was, frankly, nothing wrong with the way I was raised and I don't resent it. But, I am an adult now, I am aware of how I can do the above appropriately and of when I can pull back. I just don't actually do it. But, I need to "humbly accept the word planted in [me]." I can't keep praying for the wisdom to hold my tongue any longer. I just need to live it.
*
I am angry. I am bitter. I sound like an Alanis Morrisette Song. I am not angry and bitter at everything. In fact, I love a great many people, places, and things... and verbs too. But I've always kind of been an angry person. I think I've mentioned before about how my emotions used to get confused when I was a kid and how I would be angry on Christmas every year until I was 20. Anger Issues just exist for me.
When I was taking advantage of the free counseling offered to CCU students, I learned from my counselor that Anger isn't an emotion on it's own. Yes, you can feel angry, but it's usually because you're feeling another actual, raw emotion and it's leading to angry thoughts. For me, for a lot of years, it was excitement. And also frustration, irritation, annoyance -- and a variety of other things. I think that is true for a lot of other people too. And frankly, we're Americans -- we're kind of an angry people group.
When I was eleven, my dad laid down on my bedroom floor and told me to "shit all over [him] because [I did] it anyway." I don't even remember why he said it anymore. Probably because I talked back (again... remember how I was taught to speak my mind? It was a recurring issue for me) or didn't keep my room clean (I once had everything on my floor -- basically everything that I owned -- put into an industrial garbage can in the garage for two weeks as punishment for not cleaning my room upon the umpteenth time of being asked... I was only allowed to retrieve my math book). Regardless of what I did, my point was the angry reaction.
Along with being taught to speak up for ourselves, we were taught that we needed to let someone know when we were angry. We did it a lot, all four of us. There was slamming doors, turning our backs and walking away to get our way. I was a biter until I was ten... I also thought that choking Chad was effective.
On top of that, I had it modeled for me that grudges and plots of revenge would help ease angry feelings, rather than preserve them for longer. My mom was a peace maker, so she tried, but my dad? I think he's finally realizing it now and seems to be working on it. But it can't be taken back that it was modeled for me back then. I am still mad at this girl from my second grade class who started all kinds of rumors about me so that people would want to be friends with her instead of me. How's that for anger issues?
I could spend hours writing about my anger issues. Really. Hours. I've started about seven different paragraphs here, about seven different anger issues -- but I think you get the point. I need to stop making excuses for my anger. I need to love and -- keep my mouth shut.
*
Verse 21 is probably what hits me the most.
Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
I have been attending church services since before my ears had developed in the womb. The first book my family ever heard me read was a Bible. I have, with a few breaks, read the Word every day since high school. I know these stories. I know these words. I have tucked these things so far into myself that even I can't find them. But if I don't try to put these things that I know into practice now, then I might never do it.
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
James 1:22-25
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